I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.