Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities