angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
blocked.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
why no one uses midhusbands
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in