A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.