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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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he was correct
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter