On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Thursday
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation