On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…