Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.