@pjayevans

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

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@DamienFahey

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

@69hunna

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

@TheRolo

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

@Shade510

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

@

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@visionbored2

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

@Bownuggets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room