(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on