(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You Might Also Like
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
lol
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season