My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did