*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
the composer
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?