Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that