Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.