trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Yeah. This was me today.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe