Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The biggest mystery of our time
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever