[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
titanic
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.