titanic
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Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
💁🏻♂️
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella