We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Festive toon…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Brilliant!
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions