Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it