Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.