Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
You Might Also Like
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.