teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
#winning
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…