#winning
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Cheer up.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.