Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
That’s it.I’m out.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
at ease…shoulder.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Your secret is safeish with me
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.