They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Not today.. 😂
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
when revenge coincides with naptime
FRED: right
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling