Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*