Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.