“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?