Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
This one’s “Alex”.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Ion see the issue
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.