My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
this is the best day of my life
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.