I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”