It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.