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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I only eat vegetarians.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Hmmmmm
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger