Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Damn what did I do next
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.