What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*