‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
You Might Also Like
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Very problematic
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Aaaa…CHOO!
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”