*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
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Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science