realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.