*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]