awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If you want my opinion ask my wife
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks