No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
you stereotypes are all alike
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”