[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”