*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”