gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now