THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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X-tra spooky blend
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.