This could be us… but you playing
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.