Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale