It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.