Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
You Might Also Like
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.