Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.