I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.